Loneliness Basics: The Problem and Solutions

I've been living in Vancouver for over 14 years, having moved here from Edmonton. When I was in Edmonton I thought that Vancouver would be a bigger and better version of Whyte Ave. And in many ways it is, but in others it can't compare to Edmonton.

Vancouver has an openness and a tolerance of people not like themselves - there is a general attitude of letting people be who they are (as long as they don't harm others).  This is a good thing and something to be proud of.

But there is also a shadow side to Vancouver, and one that I've experienced and heard mentioned time and again by Canadians who've moved to Vancouver.  It's that Vancouverites are polite but not friendly.  Which tends to result in a lonely, isolating experience.  Yet I see article after article by people living in Vancouver asking what can be done to fix this.

One day several years ago I decided to do an experiment.  I used to walk across the Cambie bridge to work in the mornings.  I started smiling at the people I felt a casual-acquaintance connection with. It started to grow, and soon I found myself smiling to everyone I passed on the bridge.  But what shocked me was how so many of the people were eager and excited for their morning smile!  As if it was actually something really important they needed and felt that they didn't get enough of.

Sadly, I had to stop smiling at everyone.  I used my walks to sort out things in my life and I found I was smiling and greeting everyone so much I wasn't getting any of that done.  It hurt me to scale it back.

But that is a good example of Vancouver.  In most other cities, if you begin having a conversation with someone like a clerk behind a counter, you'll have a good little acquaintance-style off-the-cuff connection with them.  If the connection actually works, you may end up friends; if not you learnt something about them and they about you - even if it was just about the weather.

That would never happen in Vancouver.  They would be polite, but they would _never_ let it cross the boundary into any kind of actual personal interaction.  They would go through the motions without any kind of personal depth or commitment to the answers or the connection.

The problem is, it is that very interaction that humans need.  We need to know that we're an active, accepted part of the group.  And to always be shut out causes damage slowly over time.

Another thing I've noticed about Vancouver is that there seems to be a culture of trying to become the purest version of what you think you are.  I've often thought that Yoga is a good example of this - how people seem to be so concerned about maintaining and expressing the pure core of what they want to be or are, that they dismiss and almost ignore anything that is not related to and enhancing that.

To a degree it's a good trait in that it allows Vancouver to concentrate on things it finds important - being eco-friendly, supporting gay rights, etc.

But we're not like that.  Humans have varying interests, some more important to themselves than others.  But the thing is, it's that variety of interests that allows you to have a connection with other people who are not just like you.  You may be addicted to mountain biking, while another person loves playing the cello, and yet a third programming hardware devices.  How can these three people connect and converse if each only knows and concentrates on what they love?

So how do we keep our dedication to the things we find important (environmental issues, gay rights, safe injection sites, etc?) and have enough diversity to be able to connect with each other in a somewhat meaningful way, even if it's only for 1-2 minutes at a time?

I don't have all the answers, nor a simple solution that will "just work" if you apply it like a formula to your life.  This is a long-term solution that we, Vancouverites as a whole, will have to solve over the next few years.  But I do have some suggestions that could get us started along that path.

If you can fill your day up with a series of somewhat meaningful, short connections throughout the day, then you will have a continued, almost constant state of connectedness with others.  And the less you look for perfection in each of those interactions, the more likely they are to work and give you what you want.

The small interactions hold meaning if you put a little bit of your genuine public self on the line for each answer.  Instead of "staying in your own world, hoping for them to be the same so that you can connect", put yourself out there.  Ask them how it's going and be genuinely interested in the answer; and then give yours.  It's not much, just 1-2 sentences that are a brief stranger-friendly summary of where you're at.  And it doesn't have to be a big thing, it can be something trivial that we all experience.  I'm also not saying put the responsibility of your problems on them, but in 1-2 sentences tell them how you're doing.  

For example: 
  "I just graduated, I'm so happy!"  
  "I tried cooking a new recipe yesterday, it was a disaster!"
  "I walked into work this morning, wasn't the sunrise amazing?"
  "My husband is away on business and I'm in charge of the kids.  It's exhausting but I know he'll be back soon."   
  "My father just passed away, but I'm doing ok."  
  "My husband just left me, it's tough but I'm getting through it".

Again, you're not putting the responsibility of the situation on the other person, but you _are_ sharing a tiny bit of where you are.  Which then offers them the opportunity to respond with 1-2 sentences about your situation.  

E.g.:
  "That's fantastic!  Do you know what you're going to do now that you've graduated?"
  "Oh, I've done that when trying new things."
  "I missed the sunrise this morning, I'll have to check it out tomorrow."
  "Oh, it's harder when you're doing it alone!  Hold in there."
  "Oh, that's so sad.  I'm so sorry for you!"
  "That must be hard.  I hope it works out for you in the end."

So, I'd like to throw out a few suggestions.

1) When you interact with someone, be they behind a counter, at the till, in a restaurant, or on the street, stop and be polite (smile, be kind, acknowledge their presence, say thank you).  If there's an opportunity to talk, like the person behind the counter or the waiter/waitress, ask them how it's going in your 1-2 sentence exchange.  

2) Smile at people you know, have seen before, or who are doing something that catches your attention.  It doesn't have to be 'pure' affection, just acknowledge that they're there and keep going on your way.

3) If you see someone having fun or goofing around on the street, smile or even frown a bit as you go by.  Acknowledge that they're doing something and give a 1-2 "sentence" acknowledgement of where you're at.  (Please remember, though, that being mean, bullying, taking advantage of, or taking out your negative feelings on another person is not a form of connectedness, but a form of anti-social behaviour.  You may find that it may help you more in the long run if you find different behaviours to express what is happening to you inside.)

4) Smile at people if you want to.  If you get a smile back as you go by each other, then you've succeeded at your interaction.

5) If you see someone that looks good in a piece of clothing or something, compliment them.  Even if it's just in passing as you go by.  We all know how we feel when a stranger says or acknowledges that we look good.  You don't have to do this all the time, but if you are there at the moment, express it.  Show your appreciation in a way that acknowledges it without demanding a response.  

This can also work with someone you find attractive.  Again, a brief acknowledgement of appreciation and a returning acknowledgement of thanks or appreciation.  It does not need to, demand, or expect full completion (a date, sleeping together, etc.)

I had a good experience with this.  I was dressed up one day and was walking into a store.  A man looked at me very appreciatively, and there was no way I could miss it.  But there was also no demand for it to go further.  It was just pure "male finding female attractive."  It totally picked up my day.

6) Now, this sounds corny, but approach each interaction as if you wish the other person well.  You can do this without going past the 1-2 sentences.  But, the thing is, if you spend your day interacting with people who's overall tone is that they wish you well, you will feel better and more resilient about yourself and your life.  So the more we as a community do this to each other, the better of we, as individual members will feel.  And again, it's not about "Are they like me?  If not I can't do that".  The point is to maintain a minor form of connectedness with our world around us.

7) If a social interaction doesn't work out right, be polite and acknowledge the other person politely if you see them again.
For example, I met a guy in a comedy club; I liked him, he was nice to me.  At the end of the night I put out a feeler and got a 'no'.  The next time I saw him he was walking by where I live, so I smiled a hello and kept going.  
I knew him and we had an interaction, there is no reason to pretend he doesn't exist just because I didn't get out of it what I'd wanted or expected.  The next time I saw him, we were both friendly to each other for 1-2 sentences and we both went our own ways.

To contrast that, I had a good job interview with a company but didn't get the job.  I saw one of the interviewers walking near my place one day.  I waited for him to get closer in order to confirm it was actually him.  However, when I went to smile in acknowledgement, he was rather studiously ignoring me.  By not being polite and simply acknowledging me, it became awkward and alienating; re-enforcing and re-enabling the discouragement of casual contact in Vancouver.

8) This one is unique to Vancouver.  If someone is friendly and even warm towards you, that doesn't mean they're hitting on you.  It just means that they're connecting with you.  Be polite and friendly back.  If and when they do make a move, then just reply "sure, let's see where this goes" or "no thanks" and keep being polite.  It's up to them, then, to respect that you're not interested.


It broke my heart to stop smiling at the people on Cambie bridge every morning.  And I wished with all my heart that they would smile to each other as well as me, so that they weren't so isolated and dependent on me and my smile every morning.  It doesn't take much, but it makes us feel connected in a positive way, which helps make the world go round.

Intro

Ok, this blog is to try and do something about my biggest pet peeve about living in Vancouver. I have had a number of friends move away for the single purpose of leaving this unfriendly community to have more normal human interaction. If you could set a temperature to casual social interaction in Vancouver, it would be like doing things outdoors in -35c weather. 

Even among the people from the rest of Canada who move here, the city takes a toll on their casual interaction.  I've seen them hesitant or confused about interacting when in other cities they wouldn't be.

I've also seen something die in people's eyes when they try to be social and get a cold shoulder.


Frigid: "Wanting warmth, fervor, ardor, fire, vivacity, etc.; unfeeling; forbidding in manner; dull and unanimated; stiff and formal; as, a frigid constitution; a frigid style; a frigid look or manner; frigid obedience or service."
 -- Webster's Dictionary (http://machaut.uchicago.edu/?resource=Webster%27s&word=frigid&use1913=on)