Oddly: The Benefit of Manners

Manners.

Back in the day they used to be, especially when wielded by the British, a form of enforcing social conformity by picking on the smallest detail and whacking someone over the head with what they did not do.  Briefly, after WWII, they also became a way of helping to ensure dignity among members of society in an attempt to create an environment where what happened then wouldn't happen again.

Then, sometime in the last few decades, they got thrown out with the baby and the bath water.

But without a common set of fall-back behaviours to ensure smooth interaction among people (and to provide dignity) we are left with our own methods of ensuring this.  Which, if you grew up and were either taught manners or you figured them out, help you get fairly far in life.  If you didn't, well, you're left making things up and, in some cases, they are subject to your overall mood.  Which can cause negative feedback loops.

If you're having a good day, you're more likely to greet people with a 'hello', say a 'thank you', or smile; this causes a positive feedback loop.  If you're having a bad day, you're more likely to do nothing or be grumpy, which causes a negative feedback loop and drags you down even further.

Add to this that when you can't predict if someone is going to say 'hello' to you, or say 'goodbye' to you, you become sketchy and nervous and less likely to initiate or respond.  Which also creates a negative feedback loop for the group or society in general.

So, on that note, manners can be very important.  Not the stiff, you-must-do-this manners of the past, but the basics for getting by interacting with people in daily life.  Sort of like falling back on professional behaviour at work.

So, when you meet someone acknowledge them.  Say 'hello' or smile.  From there you can comment or begin a conversation depending on how you feel and the vibe between you and the other(s).

When you leave, say 'goodbye' or 'thank you'.

If someone does something for you, say 'thank you'.  If you need their help, say 'please can you ____' or 'excuse me'.

That's really most of it.  The rest are more of a personal choice.  But these are the ones that will help make the world go round in a positive feedback loop.

Dating in Vancouver

Ok, this is a hot topic with more than enough blame being thrown around.  I can't address all the varied issues here today, because there are too many.  But I am going to try to recommend some simple items that should help us all get started along an easier, more gentle path.

I've written this for guys, but really it can be applied to both genders.

Right now, in Vancouver, most of the men are gun-shy to the point where most of the natural flow in hooking up with someone is gone.  This doesn't really help either side, and responsibility can be laid at the feet of both sides of the equation.   What it does lead to is an environment of "do-or-die" where everything's on the line, which can lead to a rather over-balanced sense of failure.

In my time here I've been the recipient of 'the stare', where a guy will look intently at me hoping to generate a connection.  But this doesn't really work that well, all it does is build up the tension and expectation to a level where the casualness is gone and suddenly there's more on the line and it is difficult for both sides to deal with.

I've also had a guy catch my eye a couple of times and then back off.  After a while it's as if he screws up his courage and starts trying again, but then if I miss one or two of his eye contact attempts no matter what's going on around me, he gives up and stops looking almost immediatlh.  This leaves little room for the 'being human' portion of the interaction - the girl getting nervous for a minute, the guy getting nervous for a minute, either one having to pay attention to the friends or family that they're with for a moment.  What it does do is make sure the girl is basically ignoring what's going on around her while he makes his move, or leaves him feeling demoralized if it doesn't appear to work out in a very short period of time.  Again, a harsh recipe for failure for both sides.

In reality, establishing contact has more of a flow to it.  It can have moments where either side has to take a moment to deal with nerves, or has to pay attention to friends or family, and then comes back to establishing or maintaining contact.  The question behind the establishing contact does not have to be answered immediately by both sides; though it should probably be answered by the end of the evening/outing.

But there's one more item that's key & that can make this all a lot easier, and that's the intro conversation.

When you see someone you like, you have part of the picture.  But you don't really know if they're compatible until you've talked to them and gotten to know a bit about them.  So, really, a short chat is important.

And when you build it up too much before you have a chat, then that makes having the conversation that much more nerve-wracking and scary.  Putting more on the line the longer you "think about it".

See, the thing is, this intro conversation doesn't have to be the end-all and be-all of the whole interaction.  I mean, if it fails you still had a chat with a pretty girl/hot guy.  Bonus!!  That's one more conversation than you had earlier.  And if the "thanks, but no thanks" is done politely, then there is much less let-down.  Maybe the conversation doesn't go in the direction you wanted, but you still met a pretty cool person & you stay in contact as friends or acquaintances.  Bonus!!  That's one more friend/acquaintance than you had earlier.  And if it did work, you're off to the races.  Wooohoooo!!!

The important thing is, don't build it up into something bigger than it is - just feel the fear and do it anyway.  Even if it doesn't work out the way you'd hoped you will have gained something from it.  You can just walk up and start chatting, or if you feel better establish eye contact a few times first.  If you're nervous, circle in and out: establish eye contact or pop over to say something, then go away for a bit to calm down, then come back for a bit more, then go away for a bit to calm down, then come back.  (I've seen this "circling" quiet often, actually, and it works well.)

If she doesn't talk to you or seems unwilling - that's her issues, not yours.  Say a polite farewell and move on.  If she chats with you, you're on your way.  (There are plenty of girls in Vancouver who moved here from other parts of Canada, for them a conversation won't be a scary thing.)  If you get a "thanks, but no thanks", well, that's just more practice under your belt for next time.

The thing is, striking up the conversation is a much more clear way to know where you stand with a girl; much more clear than giving easy to misinterpret signals or setting yourself up for a situation that favors harsh failure.  And trust me, if she likes you she will help you with the conversation no matter how nervous you are.

Also key here is being open to conversations.  Just because you're open to a conversation doesn't mean you're forced to accept whatever the other person is trying to say or do.  And it doesn't mean you're suddenly limiting your options.  What it does mean is that you've made it much more psychologically easy to get to know someone, because it's only in the getting to know someone that you find out how much you really do like them.

And just because someone looks at you, or smiles at you, or even strikes up a conversation doesn't mean that they're going to jump you.  It just means they may want to talk to you to get to know you; and to see where it goes.

---

One big complaint I've heard about on the flip side of the issue:

There's been a lot of conversation about how girls expect guys to pay out, and how some girls won't go out with a guy on the first date unless he pays.  For me, I find that a bit odd and, given how much things cost now, rather a bit of an unfair burden for the guys - especially on the first recon. date where we see if we're even basically compatible.

Personally, if a guy just chatted to you for 5-10 minutes & offers to take you out to get to know you more, I'm inclined to pay my half.  For the simple reason that we don't even know yet if we're even vaguely compatible.  I'm just as interested in getting to know him as he is me.  There are many other ways for a guy to show a girl that he's interested than paying up front - holding doors open for her, opening the car door for her, etc.

However, if it's the 2nd or 3rd date, or if he knew me before he asked me out, then yes he should pay.  At this point it's more of him showing his invested interest in the girl, and therefore he has more of a reason to show a girl how he will treat her and what she means to him.  But, by this time, he should know if he's serious about getting to know her.  Personally, for me and depending on the circumstances, I may end up offering to pay for some of the dates going forward.

Equal rights swings both ways ...although some gender-based role playing can definitely up the sexual tension in a good way.

Where Are You From?

Some of my immigrant (& not so immigrant) friends have turned to me in frustration saying "Why do they keep asking me where I'm from?!?!  I'm a Canadian citizen, I'm from Canada!"

The thing about this question is that some people who ask it are ignorant, some are lazy, and some are just curious.  In Canada (racists aside), there is a custom to learn more about someone who seems different.  It's a way of opening up a conversation in order to find out if what you know and think is true, or to learn things that you don't know.

And it doesn't just happen to immigrants and those who appear different.  When I was growing up in Alberta and a group of us who didn't already know each other would get together we'd ask each other the less politically correct version.  We'd sit in group and go around the table asking each other "So what are you?"  The person who was asked the question would then answer with their lineage - "My mother is ____ and my father is ____".  At this point anyone who wanted to learn more about those cultures would begin to ask questions.

It is, oddly, an open-ended question to further the goal of multicultural inclusiveness.  The more you know about and understand something that is or appears to be "different" and "unknown", the more inclusive you can be towards it.

Honestly, I would be more worried if Canadians stopped asking the question.  Because that would mean that they are far more likely to make their own assumptions and either force the "different" to conform or to exclude it and perhaps hate it.

I'm white & 3rd generation and I still get the question.  I mention that one side of my family is Irish and German, and the other side the Germans that fled the German genocide of the Russian revolution.  Most people don't usually know that there was mass violence perpetrated towards the Germans in parts of Russia, nor the devastation that happened to many who fled the iron curtain.  Just by asking, and my giving them the answer, we usually end up in a discussion about the effects of that on future generations.  In some cases, I've found out about similar situations in the families of the people I'm talking to.

Asking and being open to this question allows Canadians to learn more about each other's experiences and customs.  Learning more ways of doing things and learning about where a person came from brings new understanding about a person or people.  In the end, that willingness to be open can't really be a bad thing.

Addendum:  This does not mean that when they ask you, you cannot ask them, tho!  Just turn around and say "What is your family heritage?" or "And what are your ancestors?"

A Downward Spiral: The Effects of Loneliness

A friend of mine who left Vancouver described her reason to me as "No-one actually cares [about others].", and she had a point.  It's like there is a custom in Vancouver to only care about the small handful of people directly in your lives and to care theoretically about anyone else.

Loneliness is "not meaning or mattering to others/anyone".  It is possible to care about someone or something 'in theory' where you work towards making sure their environment or lives are ok without ever interacting with or reaching out to them directly.  Unfortunately, behaviour like this is a form of inter-personal neglect.

It's also possible to mean and matter to the people around you without having to be in an intimate, personal relationship with them.  The willingness to get to know, to co-operate with, and to share and be shared with with those around you; even if it is done briefly.  Not necessarily your inner most secrets or details of your current problems, but things that we as human beings will likely have in common.  A willingness to see another person & find out that they have many needs and similarities to you, exploring the differences, and helping or interacting based upon these needs.  This is a form of reaching out and "touching" someone.  A good example is the flood in Calgary, and how so many people regardless of income or status helped the suffering & with the rebuilding of the city.  Our Charter of Rights and Freedoms is also based upon this.

Loneliness is a want or dearth of knowing others.  

It is also about feeling rejected or unwelcome.

The impacts of these two worlds have been studied since the 1970's with some pretty interesting results:

• Loneliness is bad for your health: "social isolation is comparable to sedentary lifestyles, poor diet, and high blood pressure as a cause of morbidity and mortality"
• Your brain registers rejection the same way it does physical pain.
• Loneliness can affect your genes: "He pointed out some who had been given over to foster grandmothers. Not only did they act more monkey-like, but, he told me, about half of their genetic deviations had vanished, too."
• Loneliness ends up being a self-fulfilling prophecy which has a negative, downward spiral: "They're less trusting of others, their self-esteem is usually in the cellar, and they're less inclined to ask for help—qualities that reinforce a sense of their solo-ness."
• Loneliness is independent of actual social skills: "Loneliness is not necessarily about poor social skills. When you are lonely, it may be overwhelming to think about venturing out to be with people even though you may have good social skills. Loneliness can lead to depression and a wish to isolate."
• Loneliness is reversible: "Teach a lonely person to respond to others without fear and paranoia, and over time, her body will make fewer stress hormones and get less sick from them"
• Loneliness is a very old survival trait: "Loneliness is the prompt that makes us come together, each of us sharing what we have, welcoming others to the fire or the cache of Junior Mints smuggled into the movie theater, creating a social fabric. " 

The following are really good articles about Loneliness - what it is and it's effects on people.

""They're so depleted by their loneliness that they're not the least bit welcoming in conversation or their facial expressions," she says. "One client looked standoffish because she was trying not to come off as weak or desperate." But it's okay to be weak, Olds says. We all need help with the trash barrels, the copy machine, or the ever perilous warrior III pose in yoga class. Olds encourages clients to ask for aid when they need it and also to offer it: to run a neighbor's errand, shake the toner cartridge, or help that poor klutzy yogi on the next mat"

http://www.oprah.com/relationships/Loneliness-Research-How-Loneliness-Affects-Health-How-to-Help/1

On a note about the next article, I  have seen this frustration with the loneliness in Vancouver by people who are not naturally lonely.  They often speak of being unable to use their usual methods of building connection and preventing loneliness while in Vancouver.

http://www.newrepublic.com/article/113176/

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/pieces-mind/201301/accepting-loneliness

Sharing Shared Experiences with Those Around You

The other day was a really good example of what I'm trying to describe.

I was standing in a long line waiting for a bus when a fire truck pulled up almost right in front of the station.  Whatever it was was so bad that they were re-directing traffic on an alternate route around the problem.  It turned out to be a car accident spread across 3 lanes of traffic with what looked like at least one serious injury.

We all stood there for 5-10 minutes, half of us being able to see what was happening.  Then our bus came and we all got onto and filled the bus up to capacity and headed off to work.

What floored me is how no-one talked to each other about what we'd seen; while we were waiting for the bus and afterwards while we were all crammed onto the bus.

This is a very easy situation to be friendly and get to know the people around you.  All you have to do is turn to the person beside you and start talking about what you're seeing.  How bad it looks, pointing out things you notice (eg. that over there looks like it could be bad), how shocked you feel, sad you feel for the people involved, what the consequences could be.

The important thing about conversation, and this situation is a good example, is that there can be lulls in the conversation.  For example, you both may share a few comments on what you're seeing.  Then you may both stand there and quietly watch it.  When someone has something else to add they can just pipe up and say it; the conversation can move and/or grow organically from there.  It may stay on topic, it may change topics to related stuff, there may be another lull, etc..

And there's nothing saying that the conversations could not have kept going inside the bus.  Or that, once on the bus, you continued the conversation with other people who had seen it and get fresh perspectives.

Also, in this kind of situation, where whatever the topic is is in the immediate vicinity & shared among other people, it's ok to pipe up and join in in a conversation with the people beside you.

The important thing is is that you shared with the people around you (i.e. your community) the experience.  It's things like this that break the isolation and will significantly reduce the feeling of alienation and loneliness that so many people feel the effects of.

Loneliness Basics: The Problem and Solutions

I've been living in Vancouver for over 14 years, having moved here from Edmonton. When I was in Edmonton I thought that Vancouver would be a bigger and better version of Whyte Ave. And in many ways it is, but in others it can't compare to Edmonton.

Vancouver has an openness and a tolerance of people not like themselves - there is a general attitude of letting people be who they are (as long as they don't harm others).  This is a good thing and something to be proud of.

But there is also a shadow side to Vancouver, and one that I've experienced and heard mentioned time and again by Canadians who've moved to Vancouver.  It's that Vancouverites are polite but not friendly.  Which tends to result in a lonely, isolating experience.  Yet I see article after article by people living in Vancouver asking what can be done to fix this.

One day several years ago I decided to do an experiment.  I used to walk across the Cambie bridge to work in the mornings.  I started smiling at the people I felt a casual-acquaintance connection with. It started to grow, and soon I found myself smiling to everyone I passed on the bridge.  But what shocked me was how so many of the people were eager and excited for their morning smile!  As if it was actually something really important they needed and felt that they didn't get enough of.

Sadly, I had to stop smiling at everyone.  I used my walks to sort out things in my life and I found I was smiling and greeting everyone so much I wasn't getting any of that done.  It hurt me to scale it back.

But that is a good example of Vancouver.  In most other cities, if you begin having a conversation with someone like a clerk behind a counter, you'll have a good little acquaintance-style off-the-cuff connection with them.  If the connection actually works, you may end up friends; if not you learnt something about them and they about you - even if it was just about the weather.

That would never happen in Vancouver.  They would be polite, but they would _never_ let it cross the boundary into any kind of actual personal interaction.  They would go through the motions without any kind of personal depth or commitment to the answers or the connection.

The problem is, it is that very interaction that humans need.  We need to know that we're an active, accepted part of the group.  And to always be shut out causes damage slowly over time.

Another thing I've noticed about Vancouver is that there seems to be a culture of trying to become the purest version of what you think you are.  I've often thought that Yoga is a good example of this - how people seem to be so concerned about maintaining and expressing the pure core of what they want to be or are, that they dismiss and almost ignore anything that is not related to and enhancing that.

To a degree it's a good trait in that it allows Vancouver to concentrate on things it finds important - being eco-friendly, supporting gay rights, etc.

But we're not like that.  Humans have varying interests, some more important to themselves than others.  But the thing is, it's that variety of interests that allows you to have a connection with other people who are not just like you.  You may be addicted to mountain biking, while another person loves playing the cello, and yet a third programming hardware devices.  How can these three people connect and converse if each only knows and concentrates on what they love?

So how do we keep our dedication to the things we find important (environmental issues, gay rights, safe injection sites, etc?) and have enough diversity to be able to connect with each other in a somewhat meaningful way, even if it's only for 1-2 minutes at a time?

I don't have all the answers, nor a simple solution that will "just work" if you apply it like a formula to your life.  This is a long-term solution that we, Vancouverites as a whole, will have to solve over the next few years.  But I do have some suggestions that could get us started along that path.

If you can fill your day up with a series of somewhat meaningful, short connections throughout the day, then you will have a continued, almost constant state of connectedness with others.  And the less you look for perfection in each of those interactions, the more likely they are to work and give you what you want.

The small interactions hold meaning if you put a little bit of your genuine public self on the line for each answer.  Instead of "staying in your own world, hoping for them to be the same so that you can connect", put yourself out there.  Ask them how it's going and be genuinely interested in the answer; and then give yours.  It's not much, just 1-2 sentences that are a brief stranger-friendly summary of where you're at.  And it doesn't have to be a big thing, it can be something trivial that we all experience.  I'm also not saying put the responsibility of your problems on them, but in 1-2 sentences tell them how you're doing.  

For example: 
  "I just graduated, I'm so happy!"  
  "I tried cooking a new recipe yesterday, it was a disaster!"
  "I walked into work this morning, wasn't the sunrise amazing?"
  "My husband is away on business and I'm in charge of the kids.  It's exhausting but I know he'll be back soon."   
  "My father just passed away, but I'm doing ok."  
  "My husband just left me, it's tough but I'm getting through it".

Again, you're not putting the responsibility of the situation on the other person, but you _are_ sharing a tiny bit of where you are.  Which then offers them the opportunity to respond with 1-2 sentences about your situation.  

E.g.:
  "That's fantastic!  Do you know what you're going to do now that you've graduated?"
  "Oh, I've done that when trying new things."
  "I missed the sunrise this morning, I'll have to check it out tomorrow."
  "Oh, it's harder when you're doing it alone!  Hold in there."
  "Oh, that's so sad.  I'm so sorry for you!"
  "That must be hard.  I hope it works out for you in the end."

So, I'd like to throw out a few suggestions.

1) When you interact with someone, be they behind a counter, at the till, in a restaurant, or on the street, stop and be polite (smile, be kind, acknowledge their presence, say thank you).  If there's an opportunity to talk, like the person behind the counter or the waiter/waitress, ask them how it's going in your 1-2 sentence exchange.  

2) Smile at people you know, have seen before, or who are doing something that catches your attention.  It doesn't have to be 'pure' affection, just acknowledge that they're there and keep going on your way.

3) If you see someone having fun or goofing around on the street, smile or even frown a bit as you go by.  Acknowledge that they're doing something and give a 1-2 "sentence" acknowledgement of where you're at.  (Please remember, though, that being mean, bullying, taking advantage of, or taking out your negative feelings on another person is not a form of connectedness, but a form of anti-social behaviour.  You may find that it may help you more in the long run if you find different behaviours to express what is happening to you inside.)

4) Smile at people if you want to.  If you get a smile back as you go by each other, then you've succeeded at your interaction.

5) If you see someone that looks good in a piece of clothing or something, compliment them.  Even if it's just in passing as you go by.  We all know how we feel when a stranger says or acknowledges that we look good.  You don't have to do this all the time, but if you are there at the moment, express it.  Show your appreciation in a way that acknowledges it without demanding a response.  

This can also work with someone you find attractive.  Again, a brief acknowledgement of appreciation and a returning acknowledgement of thanks or appreciation.  It does not need to, demand, or expect full completion (a date, sleeping together, etc.)

I had a good experience with this.  I was dressed up one day and was walking into a store.  A man looked at me very appreciatively, and there was no way I could miss it.  But there was also no demand for it to go further.  It was just pure "male finding female attractive."  It totally picked up my day.

6) Now, this sounds corny, but approach each interaction as if you wish the other person well.  You can do this without going past the 1-2 sentences.  But, the thing is, if you spend your day interacting with people who's overall tone is that they wish you well, you will feel better and more resilient about yourself and your life.  So the more we as a community do this to each other, the better of we, as individual members will feel.  And again, it's not about "Are they like me?  If not I can't do that".  The point is to maintain a minor form of connectedness with our world around us.

7) If a social interaction doesn't work out right, be polite and acknowledge the other person politely if you see them again.
For example, I met a guy in a comedy club; I liked him, he was nice to me.  At the end of the night I put out a feeler and got a 'no'.  The next time I saw him he was walking by where I live, so I smiled a hello and kept going.  
I knew him and we had an interaction, there is no reason to pretend he doesn't exist just because I didn't get out of it what I'd wanted or expected.  The next time I saw him, we were both friendly to each other for 1-2 sentences and we both went our own ways.

To contrast that, I had a good job interview with a company but didn't get the job.  I saw one of the interviewers walking near my place one day.  I waited for him to get closer in order to confirm it was actually him.  However, when I went to smile in acknowledgement, he was rather studiously ignoring me.  By not being polite and simply acknowledging me, it became awkward and alienating; re-enforcing and re-enabling the discouragement of casual contact in Vancouver.

8) This one is unique to Vancouver.  If someone is friendly and even warm towards you, that doesn't mean they're hitting on you.  It just means that they're connecting with you.  Be polite and friendly back.  If and when they do make a move, then just reply "sure, let's see where this goes" or "no thanks" and keep being polite.  It's up to them, then, to respect that you're not interested.


It broke my heart to stop smiling at the people on Cambie bridge every morning.  And I wished with all my heart that they would smile to each other as well as me, so that they weren't so isolated and dependent on me and my smile every morning.  It doesn't take much, but it makes us feel connected in a positive way, which helps make the world go round.

Intro

Ok, this blog is to try and do something about my biggest pet peeve about living in Vancouver. I have had a number of friends move away for the single purpose of leaving this unfriendly community to have more normal human interaction. If you could set a temperature to casual social interaction in Vancouver, it would be like doing things outdoors in -35c weather. 

Even among the people from the rest of Canada who move here, the city takes a toll on their casual interaction.  I've seen them hesitant or confused about interacting when in other cities they wouldn't be.

I've also seen something die in people's eyes when they try to be social and get a cold shoulder.


Frigid: "Wanting warmth, fervor, ardor, fire, vivacity, etc.; unfeeling; forbidding in manner; dull and unanimated; stiff and formal; as, a frigid constitution; a frigid style; a frigid look or manner; frigid obedience or service."
 -- Webster's Dictionary (http://machaut.uchicago.edu/?resource=Webster%27s&word=frigid&use1913=on)