Dating in Vancouver

Ok, this is a hot topic with more than enough blame being thrown around.  I can't address all the varied issues here today, because there are too many.  But I am going to try to recommend some simple items that should help us all get started along an easier, more gentle path.

I've written this for guys, but really it can be applied to both genders.

Right now, in Vancouver, most of the men are gun-shy to the point where most of the natural flow in hooking up with someone is gone.  This doesn't really help either side, and responsibility can be laid at the feet of both sides of the equation.   What it does lead to is an environment of "do-or-die" where everything's on the line, which can lead to a rather over-balanced sense of failure.

In my time here I've been the recipient of 'the stare', where a guy will look intently at me hoping to generate a connection.  But this doesn't really work that well, all it does is build up the tension and expectation to a level where the casualness is gone and suddenly there's more on the line and it is difficult for both sides to deal with.

I've also had a guy catch my eye a couple of times and then back off.  After a while it's as if he screws up his courage and starts trying again, but then if I miss one or two of his eye contact attempts no matter what's going on around me, he gives up and stops looking almost immediatlh.  This leaves little room for the 'being human' portion of the interaction - the girl getting nervous for a minute, the guy getting nervous for a minute, either one having to pay attention to the friends or family that they're with for a moment.  What it does do is make sure the girl is basically ignoring what's going on around her while he makes his move, or leaves him feeling demoralized if it doesn't appear to work out in a very short period of time.  Again, a harsh recipe for failure for both sides.

In reality, establishing contact has more of a flow to it.  It can have moments where either side has to take a moment to deal with nerves, or has to pay attention to friends or family, and then comes back to establishing or maintaining contact.  The question behind the establishing contact does not have to be answered immediately by both sides; though it should probably be answered by the end of the evening/outing.

But there's one more item that's key & that can make this all a lot easier, and that's the intro conversation.

When you see someone you like, you have part of the picture.  But you don't really know if they're compatible until you've talked to them and gotten to know a bit about them.  So, really, a short chat is important.

And when you build it up too much before you have a chat, then that makes having the conversation that much more nerve-wracking and scary.  Putting more on the line the longer you "think about it".

See, the thing is, this intro conversation doesn't have to be the end-all and be-all of the whole interaction.  I mean, if it fails you still had a chat with a pretty girl/hot guy.  Bonus!!  That's one more conversation than you had earlier.  And if the "thanks, but no thanks" is done politely, then there is much less let-down.  Maybe the conversation doesn't go in the direction you wanted, but you still met a pretty cool person & you stay in contact as friends or acquaintances.  Bonus!!  That's one more friend/acquaintance than you had earlier.  And if it did work, you're off to the races.  Wooohoooo!!!

The important thing is, don't build it up into something bigger than it is - just feel the fear and do it anyway.  Even if it doesn't work out the way you'd hoped you will have gained something from it.  You can just walk up and start chatting, or if you feel better establish eye contact a few times first.  If you're nervous, circle in and out: establish eye contact or pop over to say something, then go away for a bit to calm down, then come back for a bit more, then go away for a bit to calm down, then come back.  (I've seen this "circling" quiet often, actually, and it works well.)

If she doesn't talk to you or seems unwilling - that's her issues, not yours.  Say a polite farewell and move on.  If she chats with you, you're on your way.  (There are plenty of girls in Vancouver who moved here from other parts of Canada, for them a conversation won't be a scary thing.)  If you get a "thanks, but no thanks", well, that's just more practice under your belt for next time.

The thing is, striking up the conversation is a much more clear way to know where you stand with a girl; much more clear than giving easy to misinterpret signals or setting yourself up for a situation that favors harsh failure.  And trust me, if she likes you she will help you with the conversation no matter how nervous you are.

Also key here is being open to conversations.  Just because you're open to a conversation doesn't mean you're forced to accept whatever the other person is trying to say or do.  And it doesn't mean you're suddenly limiting your options.  What it does mean is that you've made it much more psychologically easy to get to know someone, because it's only in the getting to know someone that you find out how much you really do like them.

And just because someone looks at you, or smiles at you, or even strikes up a conversation doesn't mean that they're going to jump you.  It just means they may want to talk to you to get to know you; and to see where it goes.

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One big complaint I've heard about on the flip side of the issue:

There's been a lot of conversation about how girls expect guys to pay out, and how some girls won't go out with a guy on the first date unless he pays.  For me, I find that a bit odd and, given how much things cost now, rather a bit of an unfair burden for the guys - especially on the first recon. date where we see if we're even basically compatible.

Personally, if a guy just chatted to you for 5-10 minutes & offers to take you out to get to know you more, I'm inclined to pay my half.  For the simple reason that we don't even know yet if we're even vaguely compatible.  I'm just as interested in getting to know him as he is me.  There are many other ways for a guy to show a girl that he's interested than paying up front - holding doors open for her, opening the car door for her, etc.

However, if it's the 2nd or 3rd date, or if he knew me before he asked me out, then yes he should pay.  At this point it's more of him showing his invested interest in the girl, and therefore he has more of a reason to show a girl how he will treat her and what she means to him.  But, by this time, he should know if he's serious about getting to know her.  Personally, for me and depending on the circumstances, I may end up offering to pay for some of the dates going forward.

Equal rights swings both ways ...although some gender-based role playing can definitely up the sexual tension in a good way.

Where Are You From?

Some of my immigrant (& not so immigrant) friends have turned to me in frustration saying "Why do they keep asking me where I'm from?!?!  I'm a Canadian citizen, I'm from Canada!"

The thing about this question is that some people who ask it are ignorant, some are lazy, and some are just curious.  In Canada (racists aside), there is a custom to learn more about someone who seems different.  It's a way of opening up a conversation in order to find out if what you know and think is true, or to learn things that you don't know.

And it doesn't just happen to immigrants and those who appear different.  When I was growing up in Alberta and a group of us who didn't already know each other would get together we'd ask each other the less politically correct version.  We'd sit in group and go around the table asking each other "So what are you?"  The person who was asked the question would then answer with their lineage - "My mother is ____ and my father is ____".  At this point anyone who wanted to learn more about those cultures would begin to ask questions.

It is, oddly, an open-ended question to further the goal of multicultural inclusiveness.  The more you know about and understand something that is or appears to be "different" and "unknown", the more inclusive you can be towards it.

Honestly, I would be more worried if Canadians stopped asking the question.  Because that would mean that they are far more likely to make their own assumptions and either force the "different" to conform or to exclude it and perhaps hate it.

I'm white & 3rd generation and I still get the question.  I mention that one side of my family is Irish and German, and the other side the Germans that fled the German genocide of the Russian revolution.  Most people don't usually know that there was mass violence perpetrated towards the Germans in parts of Russia, nor the devastation that happened to many who fled the iron curtain.  Just by asking, and my giving them the answer, we usually end up in a discussion about the effects of that on future generations.  In some cases, I've found out about similar situations in the families of the people I'm talking to.

Asking and being open to this question allows Canadians to learn more about each other's experiences and customs.  Learning more ways of doing things and learning about where a person came from brings new understanding about a person or people.  In the end, that willingness to be open can't really be a bad thing.

Addendum:  This does not mean that when they ask you, you cannot ask them, tho!  Just turn around and say "What is your family heritage?" or "And what are your ancestors?"

A Downward Spiral: The Effects of Loneliness

A friend of mine who left Vancouver described her reason to me as "No-one actually cares [about others].", and she had a point.  It's like there is a custom in Vancouver to only care about the small handful of people directly in your lives and to care theoretically about anyone else.

Loneliness is "not meaning or mattering to others/anyone".  It is possible to care about someone or something 'in theory' where you work towards making sure their environment or lives are ok without ever interacting with or reaching out to them directly.  Unfortunately, behaviour like this is a form of inter-personal neglect.

It's also possible to mean and matter to the people around you without having to be in an intimate, personal relationship with them.  The willingness to get to know, to co-operate with, and to share and be shared with with those around you; even if it is done briefly.  Not necessarily your inner most secrets or details of your current problems, but things that we as human beings will likely have in common.  A willingness to see another person & find out that they have many needs and similarities to you, exploring the differences, and helping or interacting based upon these needs.  This is a form of reaching out and "touching" someone.  A good example is the flood in Calgary, and how so many people regardless of income or status helped the suffering & with the rebuilding of the city.  Our Charter of Rights and Freedoms is also based upon this.

Loneliness is a want or dearth of knowing others.  

It is also about feeling rejected or unwelcome.

The impacts of these two worlds have been studied since the 1970's with some pretty interesting results:

• Loneliness is bad for your health: "social isolation is comparable to sedentary lifestyles, poor diet, and high blood pressure as a cause of morbidity and mortality"
• Your brain registers rejection the same way it does physical pain.
• Loneliness can affect your genes: "He pointed out some who had been given over to foster grandmothers. Not only did they act more monkey-like, but, he told me, about half of their genetic deviations had vanished, too."
• Loneliness ends up being a self-fulfilling prophecy which has a negative, downward spiral: "They're less trusting of others, their self-esteem is usually in the cellar, and they're less inclined to ask for help—qualities that reinforce a sense of their solo-ness."
• Loneliness is independent of actual social skills: "Loneliness is not necessarily about poor social skills. When you are lonely, it may be overwhelming to think about venturing out to be with people even though you may have good social skills. Loneliness can lead to depression and a wish to isolate."
• Loneliness is reversible: "Teach a lonely person to respond to others without fear and paranoia, and over time, her body will make fewer stress hormones and get less sick from them"
• Loneliness is a very old survival trait: "Loneliness is the prompt that makes us come together, each of us sharing what we have, welcoming others to the fire or the cache of Junior Mints smuggled into the movie theater, creating a social fabric. " 

The following are really good articles about Loneliness - what it is and it's effects on people.

""They're so depleted by their loneliness that they're not the least bit welcoming in conversation or their facial expressions," she says. "One client looked standoffish because she was trying not to come off as weak or desperate." But it's okay to be weak, Olds says. We all need help with the trash barrels, the copy machine, or the ever perilous warrior III pose in yoga class. Olds encourages clients to ask for aid when they need it and also to offer it: to run a neighbor's errand, shake the toner cartridge, or help that poor klutzy yogi on the next mat"

http://www.oprah.com/relationships/Loneliness-Research-How-Loneliness-Affects-Health-How-to-Help/1

On a note about the next article, I  have seen this frustration with the loneliness in Vancouver by people who are not naturally lonely.  They often speak of being unable to use their usual methods of building connection and preventing loneliness while in Vancouver.

http://www.newrepublic.com/article/113176/

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/pieces-mind/201301/accepting-loneliness